that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
