At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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