i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Pants are for mortals
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize