I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
