You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
