Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
