I am in a vortex of obligation.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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