everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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