11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
