My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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