mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
