I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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