You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
