you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
