I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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