could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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