you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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