So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
