my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
