Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
