dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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