i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
