so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
