I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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