You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We need a shit load of segways right now
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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