He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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