how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
