Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will pee on everything he values.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
