living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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