3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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