I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
