My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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