Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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