Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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