i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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