I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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