tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
