Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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