Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
