you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
