Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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