Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
