Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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