guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
