I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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