I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize