I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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