we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
