I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
