You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
