i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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