I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Is it because I queefed?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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