I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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