so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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