I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
