she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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